She Forgets, Then Remembers
（失而复得）
（失而复得）
She hadn’t written an essay in a long time.
After spending so much time in a world where her mother tongue was no longer spoken, her original language had faded into flickering shards—just scattered scales of memory.
The speaker hummed a Cigarettes After Sex playlist, looping through the fog. She thought of the photoshoot she did with Ji Jie back in sophomore year. Just like now, she had listened to the echo of those synthetic chords again and again, watching them unfurl across the dark canvas of night, spreading all the way to the 5 a.m. mist that hung with dew.
It felt like a lifetime ago. She could no longer tell which colors belonged to the golden past, and which ones belonged to the world she currently lived in. But tonight, as she shut the blinds and curled up in her floor nest, the sounds she once chewed over began to play again, one by one. Her past linked hands with her present. She saw the stubborn little girl she used to be—still glowing with the kind of defiance only teenagers carry. That girl longed for freedom in a Western land, always drifting through oceans of literature and music. She had no idea where ideals would take her. After reading Fang Si-Chi’s First Love Paradise, she once believed literature was just illusion draped in ornamental cloth.
And yet—tonight, she remembered literature.
She had forgotten so many things, and then suddenly, remembered them all too well. She remembered the lonely nights she got through all by herself. The speaker by her bed that never once lost power—it was just a basic JBL. The collection of wired and wireless earphones she once cherished; she no longer knew which drawer they had disappeared into. The Los Angeles concerts in autumn were happening one after another. She would soon meet so many faces that once only flickered inside a screen. This year was also the year Oasis reunited. The days when she sang Wonderwall still lived ten years back on the timeline.
How did life turn into this?
Many friends had drifted away. She realized how fragile human connection really was—like the silk threads of her own installations, collapsing into a mess with just a slight nudge. She thought she knew what love was. Then she wasn’t so sure. She knew she loved the world. Then sometimes, she quietly wished it would burn down completely.
But time keeps moving, doesn’t it? She’ll meet new people. Go to new places. Hear new songs. She wonders where this magnificent tide of fate will carry her little boat next.
So she starts to read. On her e-ink screen, she reads about birds and their vivid, peculiar ways of living. But her eyelids slip downward. And she falls asleep. In that sleep, she dreams of nothing at all.
When she wakes, she writes.
And she knows, somehow, that she will become one of those birds—flying through sky, across fields, above rivers and ponds. One of the creatures of this world. Growing, always. Free forever. And faithful to herself.
很久没有写随笔了，在非母语的环境下呆久了，原生的语言也退化成记忆中闪烁的零星鳞片。
Cigarettes After Sex的playlist在音响里环绕盘旋，我想起大二那年与鸡姐拍的写真。我也是像如今一般，一遍一遍听着合成器的混响，看它在黑夜的画布上展开，蔓延到凌晨五点挂了水珠儿的浓雾中。
好像已经过了很久，我已无法区分什么是过去的金色，什么是如今眼下生活的色彩。但我今夜关上百叶窗，躺在地上的窝里，一遍又一遍听着过去那些我曾咀嚼过的调式。我的曾经与我的现在串联，我见到那个十几岁的，满是倔强的小孩。她向往西方的自由国度，总是驻留在文学与音乐的海洋中。她从不知道理想可以将她带向何方，在看完《房思琪的初恋乐园》后，她也赞同了文学不过是披着华丽外衣的虚影。可她现如今又想起文学。
应该说她忘记了很多事，但今夜突然又将他们回忆得够够的。她想起每个依靠自己度过的寂寞的夜晚，床头不曾断电的音响，还是JBL最基本的款式，那些收集过的无线、有线耳机，她已不知道将它们遗忘在哪个抽屉中了。Los Angeles 的演唱会在秋季一场接一场的开着，她又要见到许多原先只鲜活在电子屏中的“老面孔”了。今年也是Oasis重组的一年，唱起Wonderwall的日子还停留在十年之久的时间坐标轴上。
生活怎么会变成这样呢？许多朋友离开了，她发现人与人之间的关系单薄得像是她搭建的装置的丝织品，如此任人摆布一下，就摇曳得七零八落了。她以为自己是懂得爱的，但她又不懂了。她发现她爱着这个世界的，但她又在有时希望它能整个毁灭。
时间还是在走不是吗？她总会遇见新的人，去往新的地点，听到新的旋律。她想知道这壮阔的命运波涛会把她这一小舟牵到哪里去。
于是她开始看书，看着墨水屏上那些描述鸟类鲜活的生活方式的文字片段，却止不住地合上眼皮，静静睡去。在梦里，她什么都没有梦见。
她醒来，写下这些文字，她明白她也会变成那字里行间描写的鸟类，在天空，在田野间，在溪流与池塘之上，像这自然中的万物生长，永远的自由和忠于自己。